Stalled

ah-ha she is alive....

2006-07-24T20:32:00.000-05:00

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A SIDE NOTE: this is all to be very cheeky, yes i am whining, yes it is agrivating, YES I MUST DROP WEIGHT THIS WEEK, LOADS OF IT, but you know what...I still have my wits about me. what's it all worth anyway?

yes yes i am still breathing, still living.

Good God, sweet Jesus what a week it has been. scorching. it is like a million and one degrees here. i sweat all day long, but sadly i am not loosing weight etc.
why?
because i am a bulimic idiot.
oooh i hate this disease. tis the bane of my existence.

i am back to starving. starving for life.
i feel like it is only natural these days.

sample day:
wake up
down diet soda
drink a liter and a 1/2 of water
down some crystal light (1-2 glasses strong)
GO GET FROZEN YOGURT cone
puke
GO GET MCDONALDS ice cream and cookies
PUKE
GO GET THREE PINTS OF ICE CREAM AT THE MARKET
PUKE
down some more water
fall asleep.

not much of a day i'd say.
yeah i have GOT to quit this shit. it's motherfucking ridiculous. if i wasnt addicted already it'd all be so simple. it's hard. i am the most motivated kid you'll meet. hello i have learned how to sustain(while going to the gym 3-5days a week, while working in 100degree heat 3times a week) on ice cream people. but then, i dont look like a starving girl. am i tricking myself? i mean am i lying to myself.

question: if i binge on only ice cream everyday and then puke that up, and dont eat anything else all day, is that technically starvation?

umm i say yes. i mean jesus i should hope so. anyway i am fatter than everyone around me. this whole damn town is skinner than i am. fuck you people, i am starving.

ok enough bitching. i am obviously doing something wrong.

for the first time ever though i only care 1/2 of the way. i mean my damn sanity is much more important than my weight. i think.....

fantastic

2006-06-29T18:50:00.000-05:00

DAY FIVE OF FASTING:
weight:115

lbs left to lose: seven
time left to lose: whenever it happens (no pressure-how great does that feel ????!!!)

i am beautiful regardless of my weight. i am smart. i am talented. what is a damn number? i do not want to spend another day of my life EVER AGAIN locked away b.c of my weight. what is that worth? a few worthless cookies and cake slices? NO. my life is worth much more than that. i am more than this disorder. i feel free.

sometime i wonder if my anorexia has snuck in an taken over my mind, and if i have been fooled, or if indeed i have turned to a new page in life. i pray it is the second. i feel i can sustain in this new period of my life. I CAN.

the only thing that sucks? my body aches. my whole body hurts. i swear i have early osteroporosis(spelling) this scares the shit out of me.

i am on my fifth day of this fast.

i am so impressed by my own strength and will.

i feel amazing.

i am energized, i am encouraged, and i am so driven it is insane.

maybe it is being back in LA but i feel such confidence in myself-and for the first time in a long time it has nothing to do with the number on the scale. i feel free in so many ways.

i do not want mexican, who cares about an all night binge party...my craving when this fast is up? a salad. jesus THAT IS HUGE. i feel like i have grown leaps and bounds. this time around it is like the world is new.

i have continued to loose weight but at a slower pace, and my workouts have just melted away to nothing. but i am okm with it all. my head is so much clearer. i am so happy to feel this joy again. fuck food, fuck binging, fuuuck purging. i am sick of that shit anyway. i am not missing out on anything....all i was doing was missing out on life.

i havent posted here recently b.c i just have not had the need.
i am happier.
i am determined to reach my goal weight.
i am renewed. and i am feeling good.

what an awesome thing to be able to say!

i am ready to make my life happen NOW.
i will conquer
i will rule
i will
i will
i will

hardcore

2006-06-22T02:40:00.000-05:00

DAY THREE.

numero uno:
IT FEELS AMAZING TO SEE THE TEENS AGAIN IN MY WEIGHT
THERE IS NO BETTER FEELING THAN LOOSING WEIGHT
WHY THEN, IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO HOLD ON?

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself

so my body seriously hit the wall today.
i am in total shock. i woke up at 122lbs and ended up at 119 after my workout.

i had literally no energy to give to my workout today. i mean i was lifeless. i felt weak, like a limp noodle. i guess i never understood the expression fully until today. i managed to convince myself that it was beyond necessary for me to get outside, suit up, and sweat but oh my god was it a mind trip. i wanted to turn around practically the entire time. i was just being a total head case about the fact that i HAD TO WORKOUT TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND I HAD TO LOSE WEIGHT. i knew i was in the sick zone when i was pushing myself so freaking hard to workout today in 100 degree southern humid heat. that is just not right. i am sorry body. i am no good to you.

i swear my mind just shut off today. literally i hit the wall. i starting feeling like i was on massive amounts of speed it was fun, but frightening...and all b/c of the fast (well the fast mixed with starvation mixed with dehydration...good lord i felt like a crazy coke addict it was NUTS) my body literally had nothing left to use...no brain power, no strength, just the fact that my heart was still pumping. it was insane i felt like the most tricked out space cadet on the planet sans all illegal drugs. i cannot believe you can get yourself so fucked out of your mind...all for free by just having a sick ED. wow it was really insane. of course i went immediatly and ate b/c i knew my mind and body were flipping out...obviously.

i ate tonight, and i am nervous. it was good for me to just say "i need to eat, ok i will" but it was difficult. i do not want to get too sick again. it is scarey to eat sometimes. i think it is sad that i get nervous if i eat. that is not good. i should be able to eat a salad without care. those were the days. shall i ever know them again?

i cannot stop thinking..."did i fuck up?" i have so much anxiety about my morning weigh in.
i need to just relax.

i have done so well. i hope i have no messed up my work.
i mean really i am so impressed with my three day, ten pound loss. i am so excited.
did i fuck up? GOD PLEASE NO.

i cannot be sad about eating.
it felt wonderful.
i needed the fuel. my body was crying out for it.

but i binged and purged. i could not avoid it.
i thought about it. but i just could not say no.
will i be able to next time?
this is a problem. i do not want to b/p every time i eat(i mean in the future i hope to not desire that). it is such a habit right now. it is so hard to not "complete the cycle". when i eat it has become just second nature to load up on ice cream and baked good to end the evening.

i ate wonderfully well however. this is something i am proud of. i wanted a salad for the first time in ages. truly i just wanted lettuce, i wanted healthy. i am so excited. what a step in the right direction that is. it felt great to say NO to nachos and chips...i have never ever been able to avoid them before...so sure i binged and gave in when it came to the ice cream BUT hell i did awesome saying no to bad food. ok all in all i am super proud of myself for listening to what my body needed but adhering pretty well to my own rules.

i hope i can keep it up. here is to healthy!! it feels liberating. next i will be able to say No to the b/p addiction. step by step...

my body has lost an insane amount of weight in just three days.
10 POUNDS IN THREE DAYS i have never heard of such insanity.
i hope my body does not flip out in the morning due to the fact that i actually ate.

OH I AM SO NERVOUS.
i am a head case certainly.
i am just going to pray that it all turns out alright.
PLEASE LET ME MAINTAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
i cannot handle backtracking. i do not think i can handle any more emotional stress.

tomorrow morning we shall know.
p.s. it is 3am and i have not had my lemonade mix/nearly enough water/diet teas.
SHIT
this is not good.

i do not want to stress.
please center.
please be positive tomorrow NO MATTER THE NUMBERS.

i had to eat today, but truth be told, i did not have to binge/purge today.

shit.

up up and away

2006-06-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

DAY TWO.
praise jesus.
wow i can not believe i have made it through my second day
i am impressed with my own willpower.

I feel amazingly filled with energy...i am actually upbeat. i mean good god it is not like i want to be on this fast but if i am losing the weight i absolutly MUST lose then i guess i feel alright.

fasting is amazing. my mind is so clear. my energy is up, up, up.

THIS FAST IS CRAZY.
From 129lbs. to 127lbs. yesterday
From 125lbs. to 122lbs. today.

ok that will work for me. obviously it aint nothing to be excited about but i mean it gets me closer...
i had a panic attack before i forced myself to go endure a workout...i wish i did not have a timeline to be thin. it is too much stress. i mean it cannot be avoided...i have done this damage to myself willingly...but jesus i am freaking out about how little time i have to loose this weight. i try and just stay positive and not be brought down by such good for nothing thoughts.

working out has become a chore. i did it. but it was hard. very hard.
what isnt these days?

mainly i am sad that i let myself become so addicted to food that i went and destroyed everything i had worked so hard for the first time. to think the weight i would kill for right now was a weight i had achieved only a few weeks ago...i really pissed it all away. but life is hard, life is stressfull, i am learning. some of the lessons are difficult.

THIS TIME I CANNOT LET FOOD BE MY BAIND-AID.
I CANNOT
I WILL NOT

I only wish I weren't missing out on time with my family and friends. I am only home for another six days and then it is back to LA. I WISH IT WERE NOT SO CRAZY THERE. why is it manditory that girls weigh like 100lbs there? it is so much PRESSURE.

PRESSURE
PRESSURE
PRESSURE

i hate it. i hate that i HAVE to be 112 lbs by sunday/monday. that isnt even good enough anyways.
I MUST CHOOSE TO ADHEAR TO WHAT I HAVE TO DO...

i will keep going...
i will be strong...
i will learn to be healthy.

I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS BULIMIA, TO THIS SICKNESS. THERE MUST BE A MIDDLE GROUND SOMEWHERE...between the disorder and healthy...

THERE IS TOO MUCH TO SEE, TOO MUCH TO EXPERIENCE, TOO MUCH LIFE TO BE LIVED for me to miss out. I want to be apart of my own life again. I CAN. IT IS UP TO ME.

I CAN DO THIS.

hurt now

2006-06-19T15:09:00.000-05:00

Will more perfect equal less pain?

well things in never-never land have been trippy, strange, painful, and hard.
i feel like i have been fighting a war.
what an emotional exhaustion my life is.

i want it to end. not my life, but the exhaustion. i am ready to be filled with happiness, with constants, with less pain.

strangely i am upbeat. not because i am thin (i am disgustingly back to where i started plus some) not because anything is better just because i am complacent with what i have to do. even though i do not enjoy it, even though i hate what i look like, who i have allowed myself to become, the many missed plans, the flake i am, all these negatives do not seem to affect my rather zen attitude.

i am zen. i will not be flustered. i will do what i must and learn to be ok with who i am and what choices i choose.

again, i begin the fast-the weight loss rat race. this one goes a while. perhaps this starving/binging lifestyle i seem to have adopted unwillingly is the only real constant in my life right now. i always seem to be fucking up by eating too much and throwing up too little, and then suffering by being forced to try and starve it off.

i must loose about 15lbs in 5-8days.
8days being the max time(i.e. no fun, sad way to leave) 5 being the "i wish i could" time(i.e able to get out of the house atleast one or two times and see my mom, family etc).
i think i can i think i can...i think.

1. I WILL NOT BINGE
2.I WILL NOT CAVE IN
3. I WILL WORK OUT!! excessively if possible
4. I WILL DRINK WATER...water water water.
5. I WILL DRINK MY TEAS (detoxers, laxative teas)
5. I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!

i love to eat.
i hate to eat.

i love to starve.
i hate to starve.

i am going to work very hard this week. i have made a huge promise to myself that i will be strong, i will be steady, and i will not cave into temptation. i have to do this for myself no matter how hard it hurts in the moment. IT IS SO DIFFICULT. I MUST BE STRONG NOW SO I CAN FEEL BETTER LATER.

"i can either hurt now, or hurt later"

i feel i am mourning the death of a pastime. that is the trouble.

this is what makes me sad. missing out on time with my mom. missing out on time with my grandparents. missing out on time with friends who care about me and would like to see me. this is what i hate about my eating disorder. it is so dismal. so depressing. so so sick.

above all i want to be skinny so obviously it is not about losing the disorder entirely, more, it is about wanting it to be controlled.

sadness takes over at my time lost here where i was supposed to be recovering. well that all went to shit the day after i got here practically. i should have known then...all my time wasted trying to loose weight and at the same time being self destructive by bingeing badly.

that is my life, that is my history, it cannot be rewritten, i can only work to change my future

i guess there is a lesson there somewhere. really the only lesson is i have not taken care of myself. i have allowed myself to continue this vicious cycle. i have to seek help. i can not be self destructive any longer. it is literally killing me. apparently no one else in my life cares about me enough to do it for me...and that is a whole different story.

it aint me...

2006-06-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

i never thought i would know a low so deep.
this was not on my map.

what has happened here? my life falls apart and i just have changed.
before when things were shit i turned to my body, to my food intake as a source of control to pull myself together. now i cannot get back.

i used to work out excessively. now i can barely look at my running shoes. it is torture.
i used to be able to starve monday-friday. NO binges. now i cannot escape my need for cream.
i used to drink my diet teas like it was a mandate. now i sleep before even trying.

what is going on?
i want back on potempkin damnit.

all i want is to run away from this. can't i just pick up my things and move somewhere far away, and never remember this life existed. can i just restart it all right here and now.

can i wake up tomorrow perfect>please>just this one thing.

Things are not so good. I mean i want my life back on track ...but it isnt as easy as saying it.
i do not like the way i am living, i do not like the way i feel.
i want a change. why is it so difficult?. i am stuck. so very stuck.

today i start the starvation. 100%...
where is my motivation, my devotion, my discipline?
am i serious? mother fucking Jesus Christ. is this what it has to be?
god i just don't want to be any sadder than i already am.

here goes.

"I'm telling you - you're perfect. Look at you. You're the saddest girl I've ever met. You're gonna make them weep. You're gonna break their hearts"

skinny won't make me happy, but skinny will make me live-able.
just let me be live-able.
i wake up and roll right back over because i hate my existence. i hate who i am. i am so embarrassed and ashamed of who i have allowed myself to become.
have i fallen off? how painful? how embarrassing. i am a wash.
this is not me, it is not. i am glam, i am womanly, i take care of myself, you should be envious. i am great, i am beautiful, i am what people want....where have i gone??

why does it take an eternity to get back to where i always belonged?

my poor sister hates me. she is so angry with me. i know i have left her so alone. we need each other now, and we are so torn apart from one another. awful. dreadful. we are both filled with so much rage, fear, uncertainty, we are both so alone on this journey. i am so desperate to look better, and frankly, i never do. therefore just because she is skinner than i am she gets the run around from me.

dear sister,
i am so sorry.
don't you know i hate myself for it every second? i fear that you are so angry with me. you are so disappointed that i am not thin yet. i want to play with you. i want to be out together, feeling good and i can not even make it out of my baggy pajamas.
you are the most important person in my life.it isnt fair that you are feeling pressure from me to pick up my own slack. it is NOT RIGHT.i have done this to myself, it is my fault. thank you for continuing to be beside me.i am so sorry(as the tears stream down my face) because i know that my words do not make it better. i wish i were not sick. i wish so badly i was stronger, that i could starve myself, could have starved myself days ago and could be here with you, for you, together.i try harder every day, but it seems i always fail. i want to succeed. i want to so badly. but my world is so complicated sister. i am really trying.
i am so sorry.

someday this will all be a dream. a past life that we will have forgotten.

love, me.

i am so disappointed in myself. in what i look like. the stress is too much. too too much on my shoulders? i starve all day every day and by night i have to binge. the stress of my life is so much that i need something to make it ok. anything.

1. money
2. success
3. parents
4. home
5. skinny
6. HAPPYness

aneorexic by day
bulemic by night

sad through and through.

oh god the stress of it all.

people to see? FUCK IT.
they do not understand, they have no idea how to handle me.
they make me feel empty.
but there is this obligation. always this obligation, duty.

so many things planned TO DO? fuck it.
i feel as if i have only eleven days to live.
jesus no one needs a timeline for their death.
everything ends in eleven days.
everything changes.
everything falls apart.

and i am so not ready.
i am so far away from where i was supposed to be by now.
how did this happen?
cant we just stop this all? start over again?

i vow to turn into a freebird a fly this cage. never to be seen again.
no more cares, no more worries.
the end.

Go away from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'm not the one you need

You say you're lookin' for someone
Who's never weak but always strong
To protect you and defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door

But it ain't me babe
No, no, no, it ain't me babe
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe

Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'll only let you down

i feel fine.

2006-06-11T16:36:00.000-05:00

"Big Indian"
Well,
My friends, do me so right.
I'm lucky this far
Or maybe its karma.
I get over them, but
Only at times

And I thank my lucky stars
Wish I may, wish that I might
Just keep an open mind

All of the time
My old man told me one time
You never get wise,
You only get older
And most things, you never know why
But that's life.

When the future is frightening
And I seem to be fighting it,
As soon as it's brightening,
Then I, I feel fine.
And then I feel fine.

so sure. i don't feel good. but i am not so depressed as yesterday.

i have accepted my lott in life for the time being.
i have to starve for the entire week because i have to.
do i like that? no. do i enjoy that? fuck no.
but i have accepted it. come to terms with it.

my strength is sometimes my weakness. it is hard to know how much hardwork you are capable of doing, to know how much you can bare, how long you can last. it makes rest almost unattainable. and always filled with guilt.

i want to learn to live.
but man learning...getting there is rough.

i want to escape. to vacation. to play.
all of those things that come with privilidge, happiness, youth.
i want those things for myself NOW. tomorrow. on going. lasting.

no more sadness.
no more locked away.
i am ready to be out...to be free...to have LIFE.

i can
we can.

i feel rather dead inside. beat down. sometime i guess it is easier do strave yourself when you just feel nothing inside. numb.

i feel numb to so much of my life today.
i have been hurting for too long.

i hurt for others who struggle with this daily. it is too difficult. it is too sad.

I pray that "we" can pick our lives up and come out of this hole. we need to learn to live. to enjoy life. to enjoy our youth, who we are. what we have to offer. no more of this suffering.

if it only it were that easy.

i am amazingly more positive than yesterday. i can surrvive this and come out better on the other end. what an amazing mind game. one strange trip.

sad life.

2006-06-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

i am sad.
my life is sad.

i am so depressed. so deep.

when the weekends come i just wish i were normal. i wish i did not care if i was 120 lbs. 120 plus pounds. i hate myself. i wish i could be the eternal 110 lbs and never flux. i wish i could eat (rarement) and still look the way i need to look to accept myself.

i am tired of locking myself away. i never see anyone. i never go out and do anything. and it is all because i have such a problem with eating and my body.

there once was a time when i did not think about food this way. i didn't let my body, my weight, my appearance controll me. it is all so shallow. i hate that i hate the way i look. i hate that i am embarassed by my own appearance. I HATE THIS. i want to cry. once apon a time, i did not have an eating disorder. i even managed to look cute, thin--back when i was fucking 15. now i am 21 years old. everything is so different, so diffucult.

why do i have to crave food so much?
it is an additction.
i am haunted every-single-second by these thoughts.
i feel locked in bondage.

why after a wonderful splurge fest at the doomed chili's haunt i have started to live in, can i wake up the next morning and want more salty, greasy, fattening, calorie rich, body busting food? why?

i want to just check myself into a rehab facility.

What is Food Addiction?

Food addiction is a disorder characterized by preoccupation with food, the availability of food and the anticipation of pleasure from the ingestion of food.

Food addiction involves the repetitive consumption of food against the individuals better judgment resulting in loss of control and preoccupation or the restriction of food and preoccupation with body weight and image.

Types of food
addiction

Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by intense fear of gaining weight. Behavior includes excessive weighing, excessive measuring of body parts, and persistently using a mirror to check body size. Self-esteem is dependent upon body shape and weight. Weight loss is viewed as an impressive achievement and an example of extraordinary self discipline.
Physical implications may include disruption of the menstrual cycle, signs of starvation, thinning of hair or hair loss, bloated feeling, yellowish palms/soles of feet, dry, pasty skin.
Bulimia Nervosa is described as binge eating and compensatory behavior to prevent weight gain. Individuals become ashamed of their eating behavior and attempt to conceal symptoms through rapid consumption of food. They will eat until painfully full and stop if intruded upon. 80-90% of bulimics will induce vomiting. Other behaviors include, misuse of laxatives, fasting and excessive exercise. Physical implications include, loss of dental enamel, increase of cavities, swollen saliva glands, calluses, scars on hands, irregular menstrual cycle, dependency on laxatives for bowel movements, fluid and electrolyte disturbance.

Compulsive Overeaters use food inappropriately and eventually become addicted to it and lose control over the amount of food they eat. Overeaters demonstrate uncontrollable binge eating without extreme weight control and see that behavior as normal.Overeaters present with moderate to severe obesity, with an average binge eater being 60% overweight. Bingeing episodes consist of carbohydrates and junk food with most binges done in scheduled secrecy.

i mean it has all just gotten rediculous.
i have such a fucking problem.

i am a shitty bulemic and can barely make it through 1day of starving myself. i cave in, because i want to live and enjoy some part of the day, and then boom i am never happy. i never am skinny. i always manage to stay pudgy and overweight...slaving in the day, touturing myself constantly with thoughts of bad bad food, and hardcore workouts. i feel like it has spun out of my control.

God this cycle of disordered eating, disorded thinking, depression, binging, "starving" is exhausting. depressing. i would wish it upon no one. i want to be 105-110 lbs and be done with it all. please just take me out of the game.JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

i want out. i do. i am so lost inside.
why can my sister be 110lbs, throw up all her food, eat poorly. why am i stuck weighing so much more.
i hate myself today.
i'll hate myself tomorrow.
i will love myself skinny.
other people love me skinny.
am i really supposed to NOT EAT for seven fucking days? how sad am i. how sad, how sad. but i don't want to do that.

fuck the green fairy of deception.
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

i know I want it, I know i can do it. me can, me can.

Thin is a skill.

'Tis not what you are, but what you may become.

Every time I have the opportunity to eat, I have the strenght to refuse. mother fucker.

power model

2006-06-09T16:15:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY.

this time around i feel the energy. i had read that fasting actually gave you energy but on my last detox/fast let me tell you i was hitting the bottom, as in zero energy. just totally typical "starving girl" syndromw-passive, introverted, thoughtful, pleasant...but very much background. this time around however i am incredibly upbeat-speedy almost-it is insane. i feel like the fast is like an i.v of speed stuck right in my fucking arm.

i am like jamming out to crazy house music, just jamming in gerneral. ok THIS IS SO NEW FOR ME. i mean it once was me-energized, party-mode, ready to roll if you will but it disappeared from my life once anorexia, bulemia, and all things shell-inducing entered my life.

i feel like this whelm is a huge step. perhaps it will stick, like so little does in my life, and stay a while. i am ready to be a butterfly again. no more cocoons please!!
i am ready

i am ready

typically friday's are celebrations pour moi. well for the past few months friday's have been my feast days. but then i had to go and fall off. what a long journey it has been. a year and a half and counting. ok i need to get BACK on some type of more rigid schedule than i have been on, as far as when and what i eat is concerned. there is comfort in having a proto-call. no questions, there is just a set of rules you follow, and do not stray from.

god my life revolves around weight and food. how sad. ok i have to change. i no longer want my food obsession.
i mean hello i am me. i like fine dining. i like socializing over wine and fantastic ambiance and multiple courses, i need mexican, i crave desserts. THAT IS ME. i cannot stop that. i should not try and deny the truth. but i know that i can live with that truth without constantly obsessing, over-eating, and therefore suffering. there will be a new day for me!

fasting somehow reminds the body that we do not NEED food everyday, we are capable of sustaing. it is like, how much power and strength do you have inside you? how far can you go? how long can you starve yourself. sick but true. models also help.

I cheated the last two days. (how shamful of me to say infront of model god kate). shame shame on me.
IT IS SO HARD DAMNIT
I MUST STAY ON COURSE the next five days. it is TRES TRES imparitive mais tres tres difficile. give me strength. give me will power. give me discipline.

it aint easy. but it will come. i only wish i were there. five more fucking days at the least sucks. and really it should be more like seven more days. mother fucker. i want to live. i want to enjoy.

next mission: (for future, i got enough "on my plate" maintenant): learn how to enjoy, how to socialize, how to be fun and enjoy life SANS FOOD.

email from my best friend for further explaination:

hey,
so in my 'i cant feel my face' state i decided time for me too to make my 'im leaving and dont know when ill return for as long' calander.
it does suck in general, that i couldn't eat chili's and zippy's nachos forever and not gained some embarassing extra weight. damn science. me no like the word calorie.

(believe you me, me no regret the meals, me just wish pounds disapear).

so, this email is about: this:
(day trip w mom) do you think, or do you just refuse, to consider going this sunday? why do we need to go there again? just to wander around? it's just, like you said, after this weekend, only one weekend is left, i think. and it just is like, mom has sat/sun off and, we're just not going to take advantage of that? i mean, it could still be a 'hidden' day. in a ways - a non-emerge day. because it would simply be me you and mom, no friends or people we know, besides us really. we no care.

or is the trip, is it just a food thing? cause i can't really handle a big foodie trip, i just think it would seriously sabatoge. it's too much for me to work off when i can't expel, and i'm already over me pounds budget honestly.

idk, im just, not stressed, and i do not mean to make you feel stressed.
NO STRESS. i swear, just details. and, just curious as to how the next like 15 days will pan out, about 11 or 10 (?) or so being emerge-days for me and maybe 7 (?) or so being emerge days for you. it's simply, i don't truly know an appropriate way to sociallize when you're basically an anorexic. you know, without chatting over dinners, or lunches, it becomes more tricky ... a la the way i lost all my friends.

dinners:
dad (p.f. chang's) (seulment moi) (?)
dad (bonefish grill)
us (carabbas) (farewell toast) (?)
mom (mexican)
meg (sushi and champagne) (?)
sean mann (macoronni g and wine) (?)
[c'est 5 dinner dates]

lunches: (catch-ups)
maggie
aunt ava (?) (seulment moi) (?)
erin miley (?) (seulment moi)
katie p (?) (seulment moi)

megan/maggie [i want to do drinks with them for real - no lie]

the main catch is just dinners: most people i just want to see again, no pressure, just wanting to catch up before i leave again. and now i go an run, please don't fall over w. peace. me

press down hunker on

2006-06-07T19:07:00.000-05:00

wow. so yeah i started at 130/131 lbs on monday and look at me now i'm:
weight: 122...thats eight lbs in three days.

please God keep it coming!

okay: clairification, obviously i am still rediculously embarrased by this weight and i have quite a ways to go. MOTHER FUCKER!! itr needs to melt off (the weight) like butter baby! i need to be skinny quickly.

there is so much to do-i can not hide.
so much to do, so many to see.

i am craving downers. DRUGS. ketamine, coke, pills of any sort...i mean hello this is bad. three days with no food and i am ready to fill the addictive NEED TO ESCAPE craving that is who i am. i cannot help it.

i love food
i love drugs

i am additced to food
i could be additced to drugs
i am additced to starving/binging.

hmmm...

i mean what is up?

i wish i could just eat my heart out for one week and then just starve it off the next. i mean i am not regretting my sick food festival chilis(twice), on the border, greasy chinese buffet, AMAZING SOUTHERN CHOW DOWN at manseurs, i mean it got insane not to mention nachos suprememe (like 4times) "AND GOD CREATED BULEMIA!" buut sadly i am a shitty bulemic. fuuck.

what i intend on patening as my way of life somehow is to eat badly one weekend starve it off the next week and eat healthy a week and back to bad. it has to work?! I LOVE FOOD BUT I LOVE SKINNY MORE (or is it the reverse? to be decided). i can't deny the good stuff that you crave but i gotta learn DISCIPLINE. this has been the hardest for me, having real DISCIPLINE day in and out. it is indeed, exhausting.

well, i want to be 105 lbs tomorrow or atleast 110 but i am afraid the damage i have done myslef takes much longer than that. and i find again i am a butterfly in a cocoon unable to emerge until my "wings dry" many days from now.

fuck that-i don't want to be a slave, locked inside my home, to see no one, no dinning out to socialize for another EIGHT DAYS. that is an eternity when you are only in a town so long.

i shall press down and hunker down.

the scarey thing is i have so many people to see before i head back to california never to be home for MONTHS AND MONTHS. food is fun. eating at fav. spots is important. HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORK??? AHHH the fear and the reality has set in.

here's to hiding out for eight more days. eights days sucks but skinny works.
i will succeed. i will not stress!
"HUNGRY HURTS BUT STARVING WORKS"

THE START

2006-06-06T17:02:00.000-05:00

TODAY IS AGAIN THE START OF "THE DIET"
SUCKS BUT IS THE WAY MY LIFE GOES right now. things get shitty. the food was GREAT. the company was BETTER.

i needed to eat.
why?
becuase i am addicted. because i am sad. because i am sick.
because it was the only thing i had that could make me feel good.
sometimes you just need to feel okay, to laugh, to taste, to enjoy.
i need that so badly. i am so sad. and all i gots is FOOD to comfort me. dont have the money for drugs. it was good. it was real good. but the fun has to change TODAY. no lies this time, no binges, none. NO MORE.

I WEIGH 128lbs today. can you fucking stomach that? from 111lbs to 128 in a little over ONE WEEK. talk about sickness. and it continues. i MUST GET BACK TO SKINNY in like one week. haha yeah fucking right but i have to try till i cry. maybe that will be my new motto. TRY TILL YOU CRY!!JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

the following is a letter to my sister...

hey you.
here are my thoughts on life dans ce moment exact.

FIRST I LOVE CHERISH AND ADORE YOU. YOU ARE MY ROCK OK? TOGETHER WE SHALL.
i wish i could say "forget circumstances" but you know what that is just a lie, because you simply can not. wow. what else is there to say?

i mean "fuck em" penelope style often comes to mind.
life is fucking rough! whitney our journey is so fucking difficult.
why does God give some people easier lots in life and others really difficult and painful lots? why?
i know we will never truly understand.

ok i need to be skinny again. at least that makes me feel like a little bit ok with what i am. b/c nothing else seems to fit does it? no we aren't working, no we don't have a car, no we hate the city we live in, no we don't have any friends, yup i am broke, yup i haven't seen the world....i mean at least give me YES I AM SKINNY. it's so obvious isn't it. the reason, the driving force behind the madness and the sickness.

i mean the good thing here is:
1. i am not going to eat until i am skinny. DAMNIT i am ready once more (well i tell myself i am!)
2. we have each other
3. we are extrodinaiy. we are intelligent. and we have such real and powerful potential for greatness.

the bad though is bad:
1. we are so trapped in-between worlds
2. NO ONE but you understands my plight and vice versa (that fucking sucks)
3. we have been introduced to a real world-a real way of living but we can not attain it without money, money we do not have.
4. we both feel we "fit in" more with the moneyed club but we are stuck in the middle-class/classless american club WHICH SUCKS

THINGS EN GENERAL:
1. I WANT TO TRAVEL regardless of money in our savings, stupid ass waiting tables...I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD PERIOD. we have to just plan it and let nothing stop us. we are going to asia WITHIN OUR 22nd YEAR PERIOD okay?

2. I want happiness for each of us.

thoughts:
-i am again ready to be mother fucking a rail (what's new really) but i guess it is worth noting NOW that every time we/more you than me (i never have really gotten skinny again sadly enough). we have to address the fact however that it has never been ENOUGH. always, when we are 103, 106, 97, 111 lbs for some reason we can't seem to make it fit. WHAT IS THAT? we have to understand it and DEFEAT IT.

-we can enjoy life. i want to, i need to. there is too much inside both of us to continue living this way. it has to end. we have to re-discover what it is to live fully, to really live, and love what we do and who we are. this is going to take some crazy soul

-searching i assume and obviously a lot of work. i have come to understand that a lot of the problem for me is i am a dreamer and apparently i have managed to dream up an existence which i see as what i want, what my life should be, who i should be, what i should look like, what i should be doing and right now NOTHING in my real life fits my FANTASY/perfected image of my life. does that make since? I WANT THE TWO TO MATCH.

i want to be proud of who we are, our experiences, what we've done, are doing, and will do. is this possible?

I WANT TO BE MOTHER FUCKING HAPPY. i want a decent life filled with fun, laughter, travel, success, love...all those things...

xoxo my pixie friend,
love court

DAY UNO

2006-06-03T14:35:00.000-05:00

well today is day uno.
day uno take two.

i have not drank my tea in a week

i have not exercised in a week, what has happened to me?

i avoid mirrors at all costs HOWEVER i find all i really want to do is eat.
this is not good. what is going on? i don't know me self.

i have to make myself workout today i am talking HAVE TO.
something is going on in my physche. i have not figured it out just yet.
the stress of life has obviously made me crack. all i want is to be skinny again so i can run around town and play, and show off, and see old friends and feel glorious before i leave forever more but it just aint that easy. i mean I HAVE TO STOP MYSELF. I AM SO SELF DESTRUCTIVE. i am fatter than EVER.

starving starts today starving starts today.
i have to slap myself silly and break out of this rediculousness.
what's going on with me?
i need a big bad can of THERAPY.

Friday Feast

2006-06-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

Oh my good GOD what a time it has been. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a vacation
a rediculous party
a depression of unknown depths
difficult
life is difficult

food is my friend
food makes me feel good

weight gain is the price.

like it or not. take it or leave it. it is what it is. and baby i know how to play the game

well since you heard from me last the world has spun and expanded and jesus things went hey-wire. so i made it down to the glorious weight of 110lbs. a shy 5lbs away from my goal, but regardless, i felt wonderful.

so friday: lingere shower...i looked awesome. i wore a corset/tank top/tight i never wear things like that little outfit and i looked greeat. not skinny per-say but thin, healthy. and man did i feel good. and then the party began. skinny girls love to come out and play in their early 20s. sure maybe only like what 5-10% of college aged girls have eating disorders but let me tell you, if you find the right pack to roll with it starts to seem like 90% and that is the damn truth. whatever i worked hard and i could see it in the mirror. the second the bones start to reveal themselves the second i start to know it is all happening. i love it. i love life skinny.

I LIKE MYSELF SKINNY. period the end, no debate. SKINNY SKINNY SKINNY

anyway the stress of the wedding got me big time. it was incredibly difficult. with the fact that my dad is basically no longer in my life, it just was the most horrifically painful event perhaps of my life. anyways what do i do when i am stressed out emotionally and sad? I EAT i just slowly started to not care. after so much hard work i wanted to eat a little bit, and then a bit more, and then a little bit more and then bang the end i just said i am giving myself some time. and some time it has been. it has been a freaking eating fiesta of all things fatening and calorie rich and off limits-and hell it's been a vacation. i am talking nachos, chips chips chips and salsa, cake a million times over (wedding cake, shower wedding cake, grooms cake, birthday cake...), ice cream, mexican, louisiana-style southern fine dinning, CHILIS melt down...you get the idea? so pounds have mounded on. funny what i like food and being skinny. wow not exactly a match. NO REGRETS just alot alot alot of work to be done. but that is my pattern. that is my cycle. it's hard, and it's emotional, but it is what it is and i do it over and over again.

break the chain? maybe i never really will? the chain evolves but never ends.

so tomorrow is sat. and JESUS CHRIST IT ENDS TOMORROW. i have not worked out for i think FIVE DAYS. i cannot even believe that? i am huge. like so huge i am noooot-talking am not-no way weighing in. but whatever, i have eaten such great food for days-it has rocked and i needed it and tomorrow-again the STARVING BEGINS. and probally will continue far past ten days. but that is my own decision based on my own accord based on the fact that i-no one else-did this to myself. i am not angry with my self-buut i should stay in total hiding b/c i am embarassed by how huge i have gotten in a matter of 1 week. unreal how much weight one can put on. we are talking like 15plus pounds here. hello INSANITY.

so i have done it to myself. there is mad pressure to loose it in like minimum amount of days. so i am uping the cardio workouts-like i am talking 2hours manditory EVERYDAY, no eating, double workouts where i can, and umm pushing for like 2-4hr cardios three days a week. NO BREAKS. no off days. NO BINGES. NOTHING BUT TEARS, SWEAT, AND WATER WATER WATER.

and you know what-this time it aint ending, cause it's out of Louisiana back to the terrible streets of LA and that just aint no joke. it's skinny time. well...starting tomorrow that is HAHAHAHAHA. wish me luck, keep me motivated!

Wednesday May 24, 2006

2006-05-24T14:25:00.000-05:00

WEDNESDAY MAY 24, 2006
DAY TEN BITCHES!!!

weight 111.

I AM OFFICIALLY DONE.

it is time to CELEBRATE. only this time it IS DIFFERENT. PRAISE JESUS. THANK YOU GOD for carrying me through. ok SO I DIDNT MAKE GOAL WEIGHT. but considering the goals i have set in the past-i came pretty close-i mean kinda...

i say celebrate because although i still have about (five more pounds to shed and sooner than later) i do feel free of the chains of my terrible food addictions. now i am not saying i am not craving buttery calorie rich home cooked southern style food but i don't want the amount i once would have deemed necissary. i want it but in reason. i know i can now LIVE with this way of eating-by satisfying what i want and crave but also by being able to BE IN CONTROLL OF WHEN.

I did the whole stint. WOW, i am glad it is day ten because sweet Jesus, I am starving. My body has clicked over into freak out-i feel sick from hunger mode. and it is a pretty shitty feeling. so i did the ten days! i am about 5-6 pounds shy of my goal but THAT IS OK. i really would like to be 105-106lbs by sunday(four1/2 days from now) but overall i can live with the way i look finally...i still MUST loose the last five lbs but something tells me it is going to take some serious "doing" to loose 'em.

i can't believe i stuck it through. massive. i have never-ever attempted anything to this extreme, no food, no substanance besides some mixed up maple syrup, lemon juices, pepper, and water. well it worked some magic certainly...

i guess THE REAL TEST is to see how possible it is to keep this weight OR TO LOOSE MORE LBS. after i start to eat again. OBVIOUSLY it is going to take lots of dedication, lots of planning, and lots and lots of hard work. it never ends. that is the lesson-the hard work doesn't stop it just transforms itself.

well we will see...really it doesn't end here...still there will always be the work...not to mention I AINT MADE IT YET. i am super super nervous about eating again, as i have said-i CANNOT GAIN BACK what i have busted my ass to loose-buut i gotta eat something. i gotta have a fucking salad atleast or i think i will dry heave and pass out.

atleast i feel BETTER not great yet but MUCH BETTER.
the main thing that has been lacking is

1. MY SLEEP: last night i could not fall asleep until after midnight, i woke up at ten till 8am AND i woke up for about an hour in the middle of the night at 3am. i noiticed all i was thinking about/dreaming about unwillingly was SOUTHERN HOME COOKED FOOD paula deen style (i.e. creamy mac and cheese, warm biscuits, and grits...) this is never ever a good thing to DREAM about.

2. my exercise. I have been sooo busy and my workouts have deff. deminished...today only 30mins, yesterday only 45mins. this makes me uneasy-nervous. i am used to hardcore 2 hour workouts, infact i like long lingering, sweaty, hard core workouts and runs...but it is just NOT IN ME with so little enregy. i need to make workouts a priority again but it has been impossible.

well HERE'S TO DAY TEN BITCHES. i made it. i am stronger than i ever would have imagined.

i am wild
i am free
i am...coyote

Tuesday May 23, 2006

2006-05-23T15:23:00.000-05:00

DAY WHO KNOWS...
technically it is DAY 9.

weight 111? maaaybe 112...
exercise: havent worked out yet. dont know what i will do...nothing maaybe, maaaybe not.

wow i can't believe tomorrow will be 10 straight days with no solid foods. only the good ole lemonade and two ice cream binge/purges. overall i am impressed by how freaking no big deal the whole thing was. i can'y believe i am that sick in the head already that the adjustment was like nothing new, hallarious but crazed.

i went to the shower on sunday and it was FANTASTIC. it was so fun, i felt so great about how i looked, so much more confident, truly i felt so much more confortable in my own skin...more like me...as ironic as that is. it was great. i may not have been the skinnest/thinest girl in the room but i'd say i was in the elite percentile and i looked healthy(little do they know) but fantastically fit. next step: skinny. i am still working on that one.

my body is just slap exhausted. as i drove to work, as i type at this moment i feel i could slip into a translike sleep state at any moment. zombie-esque is what it seems, it is like i am living in a alternate dream state where everything is a little more paced, and heavy.

i will admit i am ADIMIDTLY ready to eat a meal. i want mexican. not greasy refried beans and chips but a nice loaded mexican salad with salsa. i just want to enjoy. honestly, i have about 5different meals i really want, at least...i should make a freaking list, but i wont be so bold.

unfortunatly, my goal weight which i was supposed to reach by tomorrow: 105 lbs is not at all on the go at this point. i am like hoovering between 112-111-but that's a distant cry from 105. i am stil like5 to 7lbs away...that is a lot of weight. what to do what to do. this fast is sucking my energy up ZAP. what happened to it giving you energy? yeah haven't seen that happening. HOWEVER it has given me such a better attitude. my mood, my excitment about the future, my general disposition is like 2million percent different than when i began. and it has all changed for the positive.

i am guessing i will just keep fucking starving myself until: a. i reach the goal or b. the wedding on sunday. but i am really not happy about that idea. this was supposed to be a 10day deal period but here i am at day nine and it's like why give up before the "goal"? not looking fwd to anymore days of this.

i am almost a little scared to eat again after nine days. i know that the minute food hits my body it will plump up. there is something relaxing about just avoiding all food. there is never anything to choose or anything to overinduldge on. i am afraid that i cannot handle the responsability of picking and choosing when i will eat and what i will eat and still keep losing or maintaining this rediculous idea goal weight which is way under what my body naturally sustains.

i feel i am in a state of uncertainy.
should i work out today?
should i keep fasting?
can i possibly reach my goal weight before sunday?
what will it take to do that?
when can i eat again? how often will i have meals?
what foods will i allow? how often can i drink?
and here come the questions...

May 20, 2006

2006-05-21T00:15:00.000-05:00

DAY 6

weight: 113

workout: 30 min at gym (split between free weights, elliptical, and treadmill) and 1 mile run

Tomorrow will be the first big public outing/party i have gone to in months. i totally have social anxiety about the whole thing, seeing people, not feeling i look as good as others, being embarassed i am not thin enough. i reeeally hope i will feel alright tomorrow. my clothes will have a lot of say in how i end up feeling-we shall see come the dawn of tomorrow. gggrrr...

I have barely been sleeping and am exhausted. Why can I not sleep more? I have so much on my mind it just never seems to work out that sleep gets put far enough ahead on my dang to do list.

I decided last night, after MUCH heavy debate and back and forth in my mind, that I would binge and treat myself to a proper friday night after five days of rediculous amounts of sacrifice and determination. i did not gain a pound, infact i lose an oz. or two oddly enough. it was good. AMAZINGLY ENOUGH i found that after it was all said and done, and "up" out of my system, i knew that the ice cream deal was just not quite as sweet anylonger. THIS IS BIG STUFF. i dont think it hits the spot in the same way anymore and that is EXACTLY why i wanted to do this fast-to break some of my horrible dependencies and bondages to freaking bad bad bad food like ice cream and cakes etc.

When it was all said and done with (i ate 1gallon of ice cream and a whole box of like 10 little debbie zebra cakes) i knew that some healthy food (i.e. a salad) would fill me up with as much pleasure. or if not "healthy food" just food in general-vs. straight to the toliet vomit-friendly dessert binges-yuuck huh-this means i think that i am ready to make this a real lifestyle, not just some fluke. i am ready, but i am not saying i will ever completely abandon certain "habits" i am just saying things are going to be VERY differnt.

praise jesus.

May 19, 2006

2006-05-19T10:34:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY
DAY 5
HALF WAY THERE...5 Days Left!

weight:114

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

Woha I am tired. I need to schedule some massive sleep time. The more I could sleep, I know the better I would feel while I go through this. I am going to try to atleast get 10-12 hours tonight. That would work magic.

Last night I fell asleep at about 12:30am and woke up at 7am. That is just not going to cut it and I realize that, so does the scale apparently.

Still no total hunger to report, more just exhaustion and a little bit of boredom. I mean it would be highly enjoyable to share time with others WHILE EATING. But this ten day boot camp is really showing me you do not NEED food in order to see friends or have a full day. It is also creating a "great divide"(blue bell ice cream flavor anyone?) in my life because I feel incredibly torn between wanting and coveting very fattening, unhealthy foods and DESSERTS as well as wanting to walk a straight line of healthy living, fat-free frame, macrobiotics, health nut. I guess I am realzing the two life styles are like ying and yang and they must be balenced. One can never outweigh the other. BALANCE

I am going to a wedding in a little over one week, and let me tell you, I will be having some wedding cake. Amazingly enough, I find this fast has rewired my brain in terms of portion. I feel if I keep my head screwed on tightly, and continue to be concious of what food is to our body, I will never feel the desire to so overfeed, overportion, binge like before. But that is going to take work, and hard choices every single day.

The fact that I have gone five whole days without a single binge, a single slip up IS HUGE FOR ME. I MEAN HUGE. I am proud of myself.

One thing: the five days of fasting has certainly brought back my more anorexic tendencies...versus my Shape Magazine view of food/bulemic take on life. As far as going skinny goes...there is really only ONE TRUE WAY and that is...just don't eat. haha well aint that sweet?

She also feels much of the time that the only control she has in her life, is over what she puts into her mouth. And therein lies the danger, for when everything else seems out of control--she feels like she can regain some control by starving herself.

the progression of the disease:
1] see yourself as outrageously FAT no matter the truth;
2] eat progressively less and less--by doing it progressively, the body adjusts so that one does not feel hunger in the normal way;
3] the body begins robbing itself to get the nutrients needed to the most vital parts so that at the same time the less vital organs begin to fail, then progresses to more and more vital parts failing until finally: death;

the person thusly afflicted is:
1] still seeing herself as FAT even though any possible needed weight loss is long past;
2] happy to be "in control" over what she is putting into her mouth--proud of the increasing "control" which is literally killing her;
3] often beginning to wear increasing layers of clothing so when the inevitable concerns are raised, the weight loss is somewhat disguised; [plus she is cold from having lost so much of her body fat!]
4] becoming a liar--lying about what she is eating to satisfy those who question;5] becoming angry at anyone who tries to intervene in anyway--seeing those people as a threat to her own control;

about bulimia: The progression is similar, except that the bulimic person does not starve herself by not eating--no she binge eats, then causes herself to regurgitate everything--thus starving herself. Some will use laxatives and/or diruretics even going so far as to weigh everything that comes out to be sure that everything has!I think anorexia and bulimia are just two of three faces of the same disorder: control through food.

check, check, check. damnit

May 18, 2006

2006-05-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

weight:113

workout: walked about 4miles, ran maybe 1mile. very hard to exert energy. thought i might pass out on the pavement

Today has flown by.
I am in such good spirits.
I feel like my life is coming back to me.
I am feeling sexier, more confident, more optomistic about the future.
THESE ARE FUCKING HUGE THINGS.

i am channeling kate moss and all things sexy, hot, and unattainable.

it feels great to be back and i aint hungry for a mother fucking thing! i couldnt tell you what i would eat if you asked me, although the borittos, beans, and rice mounded on the plates next to me where i stopped by to see a friend as she sipped her margaritta and i sipped my "lemonade" would have tasted juuust fine. but i'd rather have no waist and a great tummy-foget a fat ass due to lard and beans-i'll leave it for the next one in line.

p.s. i woke up at 4:30am and COULD NOT go back to bed. ok 4:30am is not when i start my day people-hello. My mind was racing and i could not stop scheduling my to do list in my head. over and over i would run through my mental checklist so eventually after trying to get back to sleep for at least an hour i said forget it and got up. I NEED TO SLEEP TONIGHT. my body aches and it needs the rest desperatly. starving and sleep GO TOGETHER i guess that's why valum and vicodin do some bizz in the part of town too. DAMNIT i want a perscription!

May 17, 2006

2006-05-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

DAY THREE.
weight:117lbs.

Today is the third day out of ten. I wish it would go just a little bit faster. But I can't complain I am loosing a steady 2lbs a day-and although my original reason for doing this was to stop myself from binging every night...the weight loss came in a close second.

To the left is my inspiration. Kate Hudson represents what I want my own life to be about...I want to be fun, beautiful, succesful, confident, and to be able to LIVE...i.e. have a lover, a family, a job, not just be consummed with my weight or ashamed of how I look. My eating disorder really stole away my ability to LIVE. No more!!Not to mention, Kate is my BODY IDEAL! PHYSICALLY PERFECT. She is about my height-the weight i adore-and she makes girls with little boobs look HOT. OK ME NEXT.

I have a huge bulletin board in my home between my bedroom and kitchen. Basically if I want to do anything I have to pass it. IT WORKS. Lots of motivators: Postcards, articles from magazines, models, Kate Hudson pics, quotes from movies etc etc...anything that will remind me why I am doing this. I also have a countdown of DAYS LEFT and my WEIGHT posted in black marker. It's fun to get up in the morning and tear off the number(weight) you were the day before. Exciting and encouraging.

I want to be 105lbs in about eight days. Is it possible? I am skeptical but am going to keep up the ten day fast/cleanse as well as my work outs in the hopes that all things are possible. Already I have lost six pounds (in three days people! hello magic!)

I am pretty amazed that I am not just starving. The things I read said most people do not report being hungry, and really I am not consumed by the need to eat. The water really fills me up-the only thing I can tell is that I am much more lethargic and obviously because I am only consuming 200 calories each day, my workouts must be much lighter. Before the fast I ate probally 300-500 calories daily, ending each day with a nightly binge as I have discussed(however all of that did not stay in my system...if you know what I am alluding too).
I was able to log in hardcore, get sweaty workouts. Running sometimes 3 miles in the southern humidity mind you. Now I find I can barely run 1mile and I must walk the remainder of my 2-4 mile loop.

Last night I slept about 9hrs. however I woke up about three or four times. I slept lighter than normal. If this is a side effect I will be dealing with for the remaining 8days...it is not a pleasant one.

Again, I woke up from a dream about ice cream. I hate that. I try and keep my mind on the future. Like what I will treat myself once this is all over, how often I will treat myself(I think once a week). I try not to think about cravings like ice cream which I used to cave in to every night. Dreaming about it makes avoiding the thought muuuch more difficult. I do not remember more than knowing that in my dream I was pigging out on all my favorite flavors of ice cream, gallons and gallons, cake included. Hey I'll take it in a dream if it means immediate weight loss.

8 MORE DAYS. I think I am already getting aintsy and it is only the third days in. YIKES...I know I can do it. But man ten days is a long time when you are watching the hours slide by-I am trying to stay as busy as possible...and sleep as much as my body will alow. LOOK OUT DAY 4..5...6...7..8..9..10!!

MAY 16, 2006

2006-05-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

TUESDAY
DAY TWO weight 119 (i lied about yesterdays weight haha)

Yesterday was not so bad. Honestly, I was thinking if all the days are like this...piece of cake(no pun intended).

Today: I find that my energy is incredible low however. I also seem to have food on the brain more than yesterday. Still, I feel absolutly fine. I could goto sleep right now even though it is the middle of the afternoon and not wake up till tomorrow but besides that I still feel motivated and excited by my three lb. weight drop in one day. I am not so much craving food as I am thinking about it...there is a differnce. I am complacient though. It would be nice to go share an after-work meal or atleast drink with my mom buut hey I am in it for the long haul. She will still be around when I finish and I know I will feel better about my bad-horrible-food addictions and also about MY BODY.

I slept 10 hours last night.

The hungriest I felt today was when I woke up. I feel more tired than anything else at this point.

I woke up from a dream in which I was eating chips and salsa. Yikes.
But, I did loose almost five pounds in one day. I think most of that was excess weight/fat my body had stored from my Binge night (knowing I would be entering a ten day period without food, I binged on ice cream, little debbies, chilis nachos, chips and salsa, cookies, and cupcakes) Ok it was rediculos but it felt great. More motivation for this experience.

I am deff. thinking about food. What I would eat if I could. What meals I will line up in my head for pleasure once I finish the ten days. I am thinking: chili's pig out (cheap i know but always salty and fatty and satisfying...no dressing up, no one to impress, just easy), i am also excited about a night out at my favorite mexican restuarant. There i will get a salad but it will be the atmosphere, and the chips and salsa that soothe me, also i am excited about planning a girls night with frozen daquiris and loaded nachos. YUMM.

I am obsessed with what I can eat. That is the joy in starving for days-you are able to eat whatever you can dream of-even if it is only once a week. I LOVE IT. It is a battle. I mean being skinny is worth it. I am not skinny yet, but obviously I feel it is more satisfying to starve myself silly now to get back to the waif like body i once had. I have done the eating everyday thing, i have done the healhy five small meals thing, i have done the starve all day binge at night bulemic thing...i think FOR MY BODY...this is the ticket. Sucks but at the same time it is HEAVEN. totally confusing, i agree.

When i was my smallest weight it would go like this:

1.We(myself and my best friend/roommate) would pop out of bed at 7am-have a breakfast of fruit...as much as we could stomach
2. head immediatly to the gym for a low impact cardio of about one hour(typically on the elliptical) and then 15-20mins of light weights.
3.We would then go about our day only refueling on diet soda. This was protocall for Monday-Friday.
5. On Sat. and Sundays it was anything goes. We would continue to starve through the AM on the weekend, but could look foward to two nights of fantastic food.
For us, mexican at our favorite spot(chips and salsa, borritos, green corn tamales, enchiladas) and then on sundays, bean-patty burgers, corn on the cob,chilis bottomless chips and salsa(try four refills), fries, and diet coke galore. It was heaven.

Today on my 2mile run:
I meditated on what I want my eating habits to be like once I finish this cleanse.

A. I want to be on MANTENACE forever. No more of this fluxuating weight. It's, to me, the most emotionally draining and exhausting...and DEPRESSING of all this. I do not ever want to be over 110 lbs again. NEVER EVER i want to stay in the 108-105 range and only max out at 110 on things like vactation, holidays. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I STRAY. It is all about choices. I know that getting my body back to 105 is going to be difficult, hell I have been "trying" for over a year but at this point it is NOW or never so pain NOW, pleasure SOONER.

B. I want to go back to a similar lifestyle of starving in the week, treating on the weekend. BUT, i dont EVER want to be as sick as I was then. I want to learn to LIVE within the constraints of having to be skinny. Therefore I am planning on eating a low calorie but healthy breakfast every morning (i.e an apple or steamed veggies; or grapes etc...) and also allowing for a low calorie but satisfying salad EVERYDAY. And then on the weekends finding away to treat myself like before. Now this is going to take work I think because my body chemistry is point blank fucked so we shall see how much i really can allow myself to eat on the weekdays...we shall see.

C. I want to aim for a more macrobiotic lifestyle. Less diet soda, less fish(already no meat in my diet), less fruit, more veggitables, AS RAW and NATURAL as possible. (Ugh if only it were cheaper to eat this way damnit)

May 15, 2006

2006-05-15T15:16:00.000-05:00

DAY 1
Today is Monday. It has begun.

My weight has been fluxuating for months...really for a year.
I am ready to END the exhausting, emotional battle that is an eating disorder.
I think that it will never completly leave me-but-I can learn to controll it.
I was sick, very sick over one year ago. I ate nothing, starved away 30lbs, I would never touch food, lived off of diet sodas, woke up in the middle of the night starving-allowing myself to chew and spit out food for hours.

I lost all my friends, I lost myself.

Then the reverse. I began to eat...and eat..and eat. And gain and gain and gain.

Now I am somewhere in between those two high and low points.

I am 5'4"
my lowest weight: 102lbs
my highest weight: 128lbs

currently: 119lbs

I MUST GET BACK TO THIN. i feel better, more confident and even though it is hard for my body to stay thin, espicially the thin i perfer...it is worth it in the end, the tears, the pain I WANT IT BACK.

I am starting the Master Cleanse/Lemonaide Diet today and doing it for ten days period.

My mom was worried when I told her my plan: only drinking water, orgainic maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lemon juice for ten days.
"what if you fail?"
"not an option", I responded.
"don't you think you have enough stress weighing you down right now?"
"i need to commit to something, something difficult, do it, see the results, and reboost my confidence in my own abilities", I continued.
"you're not hearing me" she said.

SO CAN I DO IT?
I am determined.
Ten days aint nothing.
I will make it go by in a snap.

For ten days I am to drink 6-12 glasses a day of:

2 Tablespoons (1 fluid ounce) fresh-squeezed lemon or lime juice (approx. ½ lemon),
2 Tablespoons (1 fluid ounce) organic Grade B maple syrup, not maple-flavored sugar syrup or syrup from companies that use formaldehyde to harvest their syrup
1/10 Teaspoon or more cayenne pepper (hot red pepper), and
1 Cup (8 fluid ounces) purified or spring water, NOT fluoridated water.

Now why am I doing this?
1. MUST LOOSE WEIGHT
2. MUST OVERCOME HORRIBLE BINGE MENTALITY
(i.e. I starve myself all day and when the night rolls in I binge on gallons of ice cream,
cupcakes, birthday cakes, little debbies, nachos, chips and salsa etc etc etc.)
3. Want to begin to focus on a healthy lifestyle, healthy body while maintaing a small frame
4. End my obsession/reliance on food to make "it all better"

I have a goal weight of 105lbs. I need to reach that weight in 10-14days. WILL IT WORK?
I am hopefull and determined.

I will log in one or two work outs a day (1hr-2hrs of cardio daily+20min weight training everyother day give or take)!

TODAY IS THE START. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!